When I was 18, I dated a man twice my age. He said something to me that I’ve never forgotten. He said that each of us has one thing that we want in life. It may be something we will never have, but figuring out what that one thing is will change our lives.
This came back to me this past week, and I dismissed it. I decided that it might be true for some, but not everyone and certainly not me. Then it hit me. The one thing I’ve always wanted in my life and never had nor will have – a family of origin.
I know a lot of people who have left their family of origin behind, but mine left me. Twice.
My birth-grandmother couldn’t get rid of me fast enough and was the one who decided to give me away where I spent two years being neglected in foster care before finally being adopted.
My adopted mom died, my dad fell apart, and I ended up back in foster care. A year later, he remarried and walked away. I remained in foster care until I aged out of the system.
What I’ve been working through with giving my adopted brothers back, and releasing my adoptive parents seems to have led me to this realization. Now, I’m wondering what do I do with it? How do I step forward?
I’ve always felt that someday I would find my tribe – so to speak. Now, I’m not so sure. I’m not sure about anything. I’m not sure my place in the world. This is where I’ve been all along – not sure of my place in the world. It’s what has led me to spending so much time trying to fit in, meeting people’s expectations, seeking acceptance, and somehow being good enough – even though it often felt like I was faking it.
Now, I’m grieving and not even sure why or what for, but there’s also a sense of peace with it. For the first time, I have this deep sense – all the way to my bones – that it’s not me.
It’s not a life mission to prove myself worthy. It’s not a test to build resilience. It’s not about learning forgiveness. It’s not karma or some soul contract for me to experience abandonment. It’s really just not about me. It’s about others’ poor choices, and the choices I have in how I respond to them.
I respond by holding my head high and knowing that I do belong here. The truth is, I’ve never been alone. My life has always been full. My twin beyond the veil has been a constant companion; I’ve danced with the faeries, had a mischievous gnome roommate, and felt the comfort and wisdom of the celestial mother and father. Not to mention, the two familiars I share my space with. Each interacts and teaches me in new and surprising ways.
Now, it’s a matter of me deciding how I want to live and how I want my walk on this planet to be.