Yesterday was my dad’s birthday. He’s been gone 26 years, but I always remember it. As a child, it was always an exciting time. It meant my birthday was next. . . only a month and a day away. I often write him a birthday letter as I did yesterday. This time I asked him for help. Something I have never done before – at least not since. . . well, not since we fell apart in the wake of losing my mom.
I lost so much at such as young age, but the worst was when I lost myself . . . until a single encounter changed my world. No longer was I alone; no longer was there only despair; no longer did I doubt my very existence. A lifetime in a single night changed me . . . for it was only that brief moment that we had. . . all those years ago . . . as we parted to never meet again. I gave him my heart, and he kept and cherished that gift even though he was no longer there. When he passed; when I felt him pass, he took that piece of my heart with him across the veil. Only now, it is time. . . time for me to be whole. . . time for him to let me go . . . time for me to let him go.
I asked my father for help. Something I’ve never done before.
I felt my father’s presence as I often do when I write my annual letter . . . Then he arrived, my love from so many years ago, and the room lit up with an immense gratitude. . . not from me, but from my father who quietly thanked my love for keeping his little girl alive at a time when he wasn’t able to. He thanked him for loving me enough even in that brief moment for me to begin picking up the pieces of my shattered soul. He quietly added that my love needed to let me go now; I need to be whole. It’s time.
He departed leaving me sitting across the table from my love. I lit a candle and placed raw rose quartz between us. For the first time, in that moment, I noticed the music playing in the background as I clearly hear the words sung:
Life doesn’t always give us answers
Some dots they won’t connect until the years go by
If we’re not meant to be together
Some day we’ll know the reasons why
Of all the things we will remember
The good, the bad, and all the blessings in disguise
Today will stick with me forever
Even if we have to say goodbye
Tears tumbled down my cheeks, astonished as I had never before heard these lyrics with their gentle melody. The song is “Where Does the Time Go” by A Great Big World. I felt the warmth of an eternal love, a deep peace, and wholeness.
It’s okay now. I’m okay, . . . and I’m alive. I’m alive. And now, it’s time to start living.